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The Universe Next Door - Presidential Edition
Election season is in full swing, and as depressing as ever. All the candidates are horrible garbage people except maybe the one you’re voting for, and even they’re probably just the best of a bad bunch. Maybe that’s what we get when we insist that all our candidates be natural-born Americans and non-fictional. After all, there’s a whole universe full of imaginary rulers out there with proven political skills, and I’m sure one of them would be willing to serve as President for a term or two. Let’s meet our candidates.
Ancillary Justice by Anne Leckie
Candidate: Anaander Mianaai
Political experience: Judicial, political, military, and religious head of the Imperial Raach. Has served in this capacity for centuries.
Pros: As a single consciousness distributed across thousands of cloned bodies, she could significantly reduce the size of the Washington bureaucracy all on her own. Centuries of constant expansionist warfare means she would probably have an active foreign policy.
Cons: Doesn’t believe that people are humans until they have been conquered and assimilated by her which, among other things, is probably going to tick off the British. Also, she may be involved in a schizophrenic civil war with herself, and the last thing we need is to elect a second Congress as President.
Campaign Slogan: “Prosperity Through Eternal Genocidal Conquest.”
Dune by Frank Herbert
Candidate: Paul Atreides, the Maud’Dib.
Political experience: Fremen guerilla leader, God-Emperor of the Galaxy
Pros: Can see all possible futures resulting from any action and plan accordingly, which should allow him to calm the stock market down for a few years. Has plenty of experience dealing with resource extraction in a desert environment filled with angry people.
Cons: His name is a killing word, which is going to make his campaign rallies pretty hazardous environments. Also, he kind of turned into Space Hitler after a couple of books.
Campaign Slogan: “We Have Nothing To Fear But Fear Itself. Which I’m Also Not Afraid Of.”
Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams
Candidate: Zaphod Beeblebrox
Political experience: President of the Galaxy
Pros: When the phone rings at 3 AM, at least one of his heads is liable to be awake and watching Netflix. Possibly the only president in history capable of drinking the Russian delegation under the table.
Cons: Won’t stop drinking until he is also under the table. Also, he only became President of the Galaxy in order to steal an experimental starship, so he probably wouldn’t take the job if we offered it.
Campaign Slogan: “Don’t Try To Understand Me, Just Be Grateful You Felt the Warmth of Zaphod Beeblebrox’s Aura On Your Wonderstruck Face.”
1984 by George Orwell
Candidate: Big Brother
Political experience: Party Founder, Oceania
Pros: Strong domestic security policy. We need Big Brother’s strength to help us in our war with Eurasia against the perfidious Eastasia.
Cons: Possibly not a real person. Which would really be a disadvantage in our war with Eastasia against the treacherous Eurasia. (We have always been at war with Eurasia.)
Campaign Slogan: “War Is Peace. Slavery Is Freedom. Ignorance Is Strength.”
Ender’s Shadow by Orson Scott Card
Candidate: Peter Wiggin
Political experience: Hegemon of Earth
Pros: Is a political genius and possibly the smartest person on the planet.
Cons: Gained international credibility as a teenager by posting anonymously on the internet, which would require an internet where reasonable political discourse could take place. Is kind of a dangerous sociopath.
Campaign slogan: “Hey, How About We Blast All the Annoying Little Brothers Into Space?”
Crooked by Austin Grossman
Candidate: Richard M. Nixon
Political Experience: President of the United States
Pros: Saved the world from Lovecraftian nightmare monsters and the immortal necromancer Henry Kissinger.
Cons: Would have to deal with both term limit laws, his own faked death, and the fact that he’s still Richard Nixon.
Campaign slogan: “My Name Is Richard Milhous Nixon. I Was Educated At Whitter College In Whittier, California, and I Have Seen the Devil Walk.”
The Force Awakens by Alan Dean Foster
Candidate: Princess Leia
Political Experience: Princess of Alderaan, Rebel leader, Republic general
Pros: Proven experience dealing with weapons of mass destruction.
Cons: Opponents would probably run attack ads criticizing her for letting her first constituency get blown up with a giant planet-destroying laser.
Campaign slogan: “Elect Me, America. I’m Your Only Hope.”
What fictional ruler do you think we should elect this year? Let us know in the comments!